Jerry Stiller’s 12 best scenes as Frank Costanza, ranked
This story originally appeared on Big Cat Country — Vox Media’s news and opinion website for the Jacksonville Jaguars. It had nothing to do with football and I loved it. You can read it here.
Jerry Stiller, a comedic titan whose career spanned half a century and is best known to most anyone who reads this blog as Frank Costanza, has died. He was 92.
Be warned — this article will have nothing to do with the Jacksonville Jaguars. With the way this team has played over the past decade, maybe that’s a good thing.
But with very little happening in the world of football, it’s time to celebrate (arguably) the best supporting character on Seinfeld.
12. “You’re grounded!”
Frank Costanza: That’s it. You’re grounded.
George Costanza: You can’t ground me. I’m a grown man!
Frank Costanza: You want to live here? You respect the rules of our house. YOU’RE GROUNDED!
11. “Let him have bananas on the side!”
Estelle Costanza: Georgie, would you like some Jello?
Frank Costanza: Why do you put the bananas in there?
Estelle Costanza: George likes the bananas!
Frank Costanza: SO LET HIM HAVE BANANAS ON THE SIDE!
10. “Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?”
Estelle Costanza: Latvian Orthodox? Why are you doing this?
George Costanza: For a woman.
Frank Costanza: A woman? What are you out of your mind?
Estelle Costanza: Why can’t you do anything like a normal person?
Frank Costanza: Wait. Is this the group that goes around mutilating squirrels?
9. “Who’s having sex with the hen?”
Frank Costanza: Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who’s having sex with the hen?
George Costanza: Why don’t we talk about it another time.
Frank Costanza: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something’s missing!
Mrs. Ross: Something’s missing all right.
Mr. Ross: They’re all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
Frank Costanza: That’s perverse.
8. “George is dead!”
Frank: [on Jerry’s answering machine] Jerry, it’s Frank Costanza. Mr. Steinbrenner’s here. George is dead. Call me back.
7. “Blow out the damn candles!”
Frank Constanza: Blow out the candles. Blow out the candles. I said blow out the damn candles.
Estelle Constanza: Stop it, Frank, you’re killing him.
6. “In a car, with my wife! He stopped short!”
Frank Costanza: Where’s your friend Kramer?
Jerry Seinfeld: I don’t know. Why?
Frank Costanza: Because I’m looking for him. That’s why. He stopped short.
Jerry Seinfeld: What do you mean?
Frank Costanza: In a car, with my wife. He stopped short. You think I don’t know what that’s about? That’s my old move! I used it on Estelle forty years ago! I told everybody about it! Everybody knows!
[demonstrates]
Frank Costanza: Hmmph! I stopped short.
Jerry Seinfeld: Really, stopping short. That’s a good move.
Frank Costanza: You’re not kidding it’s a good move!
5. “We’re gonna be all over that shuffleboard court!”
Morty Seinfeld: [answers the phone] Hello!
Frank Costanza: [on the other end] This is Frank Costanza.
Morty Seinfeld: What do you want?
Frank Costanza: You think you could keep us out of Florida? We’re moving in lock, stock and barrel. We’re gonna be in the pool. We’re gonna be in the clubhouse. We’re gonna be all over that shuffleboard court! And I dare you to keep me out!
4. “SERENITY NOW!”
Frank Costanza: SERENITY NOW! SERENITY NOW!
George Costanza: What is *that*?
Frank Costanza: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, ‘SERENITY NOW!’
George Costanza: Are you supposed to *yell* it?
Frank Costanza: The man on the tape wasn’t specific.
3. Frank Costanza has a flashback
2. “I got a lot of problems with you people!”
Frank Costanza: Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances.
[yelling]
Frank Costanza: I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you’re gonna hear about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!
George Costanza: Oh, God.
Frank Costanza: [to George] Quiet, you’ll get yours in a minute.
[yelling]
Frank Costanza: Kruger, you couldn’t smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe... I lost my train of thought.
1. “You want a piece of me?”
Frank Costanza: You want a piece of me? YOU GOT IT!
